Skinny Boy in the Mirror
By Martin Hsueh
June 20, 2009
I've always been a small, skinny boy.
In a boy's world, a bigger build has advantages.
Boys would bump each other in the chest like deer wrestling with entangled antlers.
This primeval alpha-male dominance instinct apparently still lurks somewhere deep in our hearts.
"So what! So what! Wanna fight?"...A bigger boy might say.
Some of the bigger kids may give the smaller ones a tougher time in the locker room.
"Want your hat back? Hahaha!"
(make belief scenario).
Something worse, psychologically:
"You can have him! Hawhaw!"
One captain would say to the other.
Now this was an actual first person experience.
No captain wants to pick a weak player for his team,
even if it's just a soccer game during P.E.
When Spring time came for our community in Tehran,
it seems that everybody in my generation turned adult,
all except me.
When will it be my turn?
That day finally came.
At last when I got to be as tall or taller than the others,
nobody played those chest bumping games anymore.
Of course, we're not kids anymore.
Not too long afterwards, I moved to this nice Christian school.
No need to be a tough guy here, that's for sure.
But no matter how I changed on the outside,
I was somehow still the insecure little boy inside.
I still just wanted to play soccer, not just for the game,
but to play with my friends.
It seems.....a core self image has been molded long ago,
that uncertain little skinny boy.
He has just grown older in the head
and had more experiences as the years wore on.
Sometimes as I look in the mirror,
I still see the same skinny little boy........
PS:
After becoming a father,
when I look in the mirror again,
the little boy is gone!
He is right here beside me, in my arms now.
June 20, 2009
I've always been a small, skinny boy.
In a boy's world, a bigger build has advantages.
Boys would bump each other in the chest like deer wrestling with entangled antlers.
This primeval alpha-male dominance instinct apparently still lurks somewhere deep in our hearts.
"So what! So what! Wanna fight?"...A bigger boy might say.
Some of the bigger kids may give the smaller ones a tougher time in the locker room.
"Want your hat back? Hahaha!"
(make belief scenario).
Something worse, psychologically:
"You can have him! Hawhaw!"
One captain would say to the other.
Now this was an actual first person experience.
No captain wants to pick a weak player for his team,
even if it's just a soccer game during P.E.
When Spring time came for our community in Tehran,
it seems that everybody in my generation turned adult,
all except me.
When will it be my turn?
That day finally came.
At last when I got to be as tall or taller than the others,
nobody played those chest bumping games anymore.
Of course, we're not kids anymore.
Not too long afterwards, I moved to this nice Christian school.
No need to be a tough guy here, that's for sure.
But no matter how I changed on the outside,
I was somehow still the insecure little boy inside.
I still just wanted to play soccer, not just for the game,
but to play with my friends.
It seems.....a core self image has been molded long ago,
that uncertain little skinny boy.
He has just grown older in the head
and had more experiences as the years wore on.
Sometimes as I look in the mirror,
I still see the same skinny little boy........
PS:
After becoming a father,
when I look in the mirror again,
the little boy is gone!
He is right here beside me, in my arms now.
鏡中瘦小的男孩
薛至峰 著於
June 6, 2007
從小我就是個瘦小的孩子。
在小男孩的世界裏，塊頭大的當然佔很大的便宜。
國小男生會胸頂胸，很像公鹿般的，
推來推去。「怎樣！怎樣！要打架嗎？！」
我們這間學校還算好。
少數白人同學偶而會用手把眼睛往上吊，
說些還不算太難聽種族歧視的話。
我們東方人體格瘦小、人數又少，只能息事寧人。
當伊朗華僑圈的孩子春天來臨時，
我卻是同輩最後一個發育。
何時才輪到我呢？
。。。。。。。。。。。。
那天終於來了。
當長得比大部份人高時，
早已不玩胸撞胸的遊戲了。
當個頭不再輸人時，也沒必要比體格了，
因為在後來就讀的教會學校裡，
大家都和愛可親。
但無論外表變得如何，
心中好像還是有點沒自信，
又期待被大家接受，
希望能跟大家一起踢足球。
原來有個自我在內心深處很早就成形。那個核心體，它現在只是變得比成熟，多些生活經驗罷了。鏡子裏，彷彿還是當年鏡中的那瘦小男孩。後記:這是多年前的想法。為人父之後，鏡中那小男孩已不見了。。。。因為，那小男孩現在活生生的抱在我懷中。從他的臉上看到當年的自己，任何事，任何人的看法，都變得次要了。他，讓我重生了！
